When God Knocks
If you had told me back in the day that I would be going to college in my 40s, I would have laughed at you. While on my second annual girls’ trip to Switzerland and Italy, I found myself mulling over the idea of going back to school. I first felt God's knock early in May when the girls and I were driving the windy part of our road home. We were talking about law things. My 16-year-old asked me, “How do you know so much?”. I explained, “When I was in high school, I wanted to become a lawyer”. Her response punctured me, “So, why don’t you?”. Instantly, I thought ya why not? Those three words have banged around my head every day since. I feel close to God while travelling. I think that is because I get to pause the day-to-day routine and just marvel at his creation. This trip, I found him asking me to trust him in the process and the nudge to go back to school.
I had started a business back in 2019 and closed the doors in April 2020 because of the pandemic. It was the first time that I felt God leading me to open it, and I was just as clear about closing it. It had felt different than anything else I had ever done. I felt that he used it for my good, even though there were lots of times when it didn’t feel good. There was always such peace in it all, and that I feel was the Lord. After it closed, that is when God took charge. He healed parts of my heart that had been broken. I felt he was restoring me to the person that he had created me to be. I felt new and content like I had never felt before.
I desired to rest in God and to be a great wife, mother and homesteader. I felt for the first time that I could embrace what God wanted for me. I felt him say, “rest in me and do not find your worthiness out in the world”. Such a sense of gratitude for all that we had flooded my heart. I felt so content. I feel that is why God is knocking now, my heart is where it needs to be to surrender to his process.
I came home curious to see what it would take to go to school. So many questions like how many hours a week it would take, how much it would cost and whether I had even graduated from high school. First step, make an appointment with a guidance counsellor at the local college. One of the councillors was a friendly face, someone who had played such a pivotal role in my faith journey in 2020-2022, which made me giggle at God. I do think he has a great sense of humour. It felt like confirmation that God was directing this next adventure. I hobbled my way into her office the next week because I had sprained my ankle (that story is for another time), and after that meeting I knew without a bought I needed to take a leap of faith and go to college.
At the moment, I have decided on the two-year psychology program. I will also be taking all the creative writing classes as electives. I know that God has put writing on my heart, and there is a book that I believe he has asked me to write. When the idea first came to me, I was like YES, but then quickly went to “I have no idea how to conduct the research required to do the subject justice and even how to go about writing a book". It was funny because I could picture myself, while in Italy, there with a laptop and able to work from anywhere, any time. The author seems like it fits that vision. I still think that God might ask me to continue and become a lawyer, but we will have to wait and see if that is where the adventure will lead.
When God wants us to do something, or you could say when something is in his will for us, the details seem to fall into place. It doesn’t mean that it will be easy; nothing worthwhile is. God uses every hardship and struggle to help polish us into who we need to be to accomplish what he has called us to. For example, I had to track down my transcript from high school to find out that I only got a 55% in English 12. The minimum requirement was 60% to get into the program. I knew that it didn’t properly represent my skill level today, that was almost 25 years ago, but it was still going to keep me from the program. There were a couple of options as to how to upgrade the mark, and thank goodness, one option was an English test by Duolingo. I had been using the platform to learn German and Italian for our trip, so it was familiar. I practiced for a week, and then when it came time to write the test, I wasn’t able to get it to run on any computer in the house. I worked on it for half a day, deleting to make space and trying to upgrade software to run into a complete dead end. I needed a new computer if I was going to take the test. I ordered a new computer that day, and instead of it taking the one day like it said it would, it arrived it took 4 days. If you know me, you know I don’t love waiting. Then, when I went to take the test, I had to set it up 3 times. The setup would take like 20 minutes, and I would be at the setup up you observer camera and poof gone. It took over 45 minutes to get through the setup. Not easy. In the end, I passed with a high B and was accepted into the program. It was totally God checking my heart and helping to give me patience for technology because I have online classes.
Since getting the computer, I have written every day. I started a daily journal and have written more than 16,000 words in less than 20 days. I created a website and started this blog. I am grateful that it took a bit of hard work and determination, as it makes the acceptance letter that much sweeter. Doing the upgrading test has given me confidence, but also shown me where my weaknesses are. I was shocked that I got 100% on the speaking section of the test. God did highlight how I was letting myself get down when things weren’t going my way and showed me that I will have to be more patient in the waiting. I can’t implode my life and my family’s for a bad day or for technical issues that might arise, because they are going to happen when you are working with technology.
I’ve heard the Lord knock and I’m opening the door. He hasn’t given me the map with clear directions to a destination. It feels more like a choose-your-own-adventure book that is going to unfold as I go. I am resting in him to lead the way. I’m committed to following where he leads. My littlest just had her 11th birthday, and because I have an 18 and 16-year-old, I know what a pivotal age we are in. She is going to continue to assert her independence and autonomy from me, too her and I am going to become a spectator in her life. It’s time for me to lean into who I will become with grown children who don’t need me in the same way as when they were young. It has been such a blessing to be able to stay home with the kids mostly. Being able to homeschool for so many years gave me so much time with them, for every age and stage. Now I am ready to embark on a new chapter for me. This adventure is about the destination and enjoying the journey. I remember when I was walking solo to a waterfall in Iceland, I asked the Lord what he would want me to know. Short and sweet, his response was “I gave you your adventurous spirit”. I always thought that there was something wrong with me trying new things and feeling unsettled in my spirit for adventure. In that moment, I said “Thank you” and went on my way in science reflection. I was free. I no longer needed to feel like there was something wrong with me, that I always craved a new adventure. “Not all who wander are lost.”
I encourage others to answer the door if God knocks. It might seem so out of this world what he is asking, but he will not leave you if it is from him. You never know what kind of wild adventures he may take you on. Remember the one who created the heavens and the earth has also created you. Nothing is impossible for him.